Several passages in the Bible make it clear that wives are to be submissive to their husbands.
Submission does not mean that the wife doesn’t do some tasks or that she always does others. For example, sometimes a wife might handle the finances or fix appliances. Her husband might do the cooking or look after the children.
Submission doesn’t mean that the wife mindlessly does all her husband asks. She is his “helper” not his slave. She should discuss her desires and bring her opinion and wisdom to decisions:
“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18
Submission means that the husband has the final authority, the final responsibility. Some husbands will not take that authority or responsibility which makes it difficult for the wife, but with God’s help, she can be the submissive wife He wants her to be.
The “woman of noble character” in Proverbs 31:10-31 handles many important responsibilities. She looks after her household, even buying and selling:
“She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Proverbs 31: 13-27
She is trustworthy, industrious, wise, ambitious (not lazy), resourceful, caring and confident. She knows what God and her husband expect from her. She is free to use her intellect and her talents.
Besides being free to use her intellect and talents, her life shows another result of being submissive – her husband is free to do what God wants him to do:
“Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”
The following passage from the New Testament was written by the Apostle Paul. Head coverings and long hair were symbols of submission in that culture. They are not now, but the principle of submission in still in effect:
“But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head—it is the same as having her head shaved. For if a woman does not cover her head, she might as well have her hair cut off; but if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should cover her head.
A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. It is for this reason that a woman ought to have authority over her own head, because of the angels. Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.
Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering. If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practice—nor do the churches of God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3-16
“Angels are present at any assembly of Christians for worship and note any departure from reverent order; and apparently, angels are offended by any violation of propriety…
none of these reasons are culture-dependent. The order and manner of creation and the presence of angels do not depend on culture. We cannot say, “Paul said this just because of the thinking of the Corinthian culture or the place of women in that culture.” The principles are eternal, but the out-working of the principles may differ according to culture.
In this, we see God has established a clear chain of authority in both the home and in the church, and in those spheres, God has ordained that men are the “head” – that is, that they have the place of authority and responsibility…there is no general submission of women unto men commanded in society; only in the spheres of the home and in the church. God has not commanded in His word that men have exclusive authority in the areas of politics, business, education, and so on.
It also does not mean that every woman in the church is under the authority of every man – ridiculous! Instead it means that those who lead the church – pastors and ruling elders – must be men, and women must respect their authority…We must see the broader attack on authority as a direct Satanic strategy to destroy our society and millions of individual lives…This idea of authority and submission to authority are so important to God that they are part of His very being. The First Person of the Holy Trinity is called the Father; the Second Person of the Holy Trinity is called the Son. Inherent in those titles is a relationship of authority and submission to authority. The Father exercises authority over the Son, and the Son submits to the Father’s authority – and this is in the very nature and being of God! Our failure to exercise Biblical authority, and our failure to submit to Biblical authority, isn’t just wrong and sad – it sins against the very nature of God. Remember 1 Samuel 15:23: For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft.” David Guzik
All of David Guzik’s commentary (found on the internet) is worth studying.
A passage that explains the relationship between husband and wife from the New Testament is Ephesians 5:21-33.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband,” Ephesians 5:21-33
If a wife submits to/respects her husband, and if the husband loves/cares for his wife they will have a blessed, biblical relationship. That would be following the command, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
The wife should submit to her husband as believers should submit to Christ:
“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
Jesus said:
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27
The Church submitting to Christ means that they obey Him:
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.” John 15:9-10
A wife should not think that submitting to her husband makes her less important than her husband. Jesus submitted to God the Father in everything:
“Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” John 5:9
“By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.” John 5:30
Notice that seeking to please is part of submission.
“So Jesus said, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am he and that I do nothing on my own but speak just what the Father has taught me. The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him.” John 8:28-29
“How could the omniscient Son of God have to learn anything? There are some things that cannot be learned in books but only by experience, and obedience in hard circumstances is surely one of these. Jesus learned obedience by actual experience.” icr.org
“During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him Hebrew 5:7-9
“Had He been disobedient, as was Adam, we could never have known salvation.” icr.org
“For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.” Romans 5:19
“His obedience consisted simply of seeking and following the will of His Father in all things.” icr.org
Jesus did not want to be crucified on the cross, but He was willing to do whatever God the Father wanted.
“Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39, 42 Luke 22:42
We see from the following passage Jesus was equal to God, yet He was “obedient to death”.
“Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross.” Philippians 2:6-8
Everything He did was in obedience to His Father. Yet Jesus Himself is God. If Jesus who is God the Son submitted to/obeyed God the Father, wives can submit without thinking they are less important than their husbands.
A faithful loving wife can greatly influence her husband:
“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” Proverbs 12:4
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22
“A foolish child is a father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof.” Proverbs 19:13
“Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.” Proverbs 19:14
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Proverbs 21:9
“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” Proverbs 21:19
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Proverbs 25:24
“A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.” Proverbs 27:15-16
A disgraceful, quarrelsome and nagging wife is destructive to her husband. Ask the Lord to show you what you are and if you to change.
Very few husbands will not respond to prayers, wisdom and love. Even if her husband is not the husband he should be (all of us have shortcomings) a wife should be what she knows the Lord would have her be. Each person will be judged according to his own works:
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for their wrongs, and there is no favoritism.” Colossians 2:23-25
There are exceptions to a wife being submissive to her husband:
“Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John replied, “Which is right in God’s eyes: to listen to you, or to him?…” Acts 4:18-19
“Peter and the other apostles replied: “We must obey God rather than man!” Acts 5:29
The Bible tells us to obey authorities:
“Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.” Romans 13:1-2
We are supposed to obey the governing authorities except when their command/law violates God’s law. Then we must obey God’s law no matter the consequence. Likewise, a wife should never submit to anything against God’s commands.
Maybe a husband’s desire is not a wife’s although not disobedient to God. Wives do have another recourse when they find it difficult to submit to their husbands. They can talk to a higher authority – they can pray. It is always wise to start with prayer and continue in prayer:
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in every situation because this is God’s will concerning you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
She can discuss the decision with her husband. This might be where arguments occur. People often don’t discuss rationally because emotions are involved:
“Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them.” Proverbs 29:20
Pray before you bring up a topic, if possible.
If her husband loves her as Christ loved the church it will be much easier:
“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
In the same way that submission is voluntary, love is voluntary. The husband might not agree based on love – he may be doing what he thinks is best for everyone involved. He might be selfish, not seeing clearly or misinformed (listening to wrong advice). Even though the husband will not change his mind, God can change the circumstances or make the wife be a blessing in what situation she finds herself.
“Consider it pure joy, my friends, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops patience. Patience must have it perfect work so that you will be perfect and complete lacking nothing. If anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault.” James 1:3-4
“A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.” 1 Timothy 2:8-15
Pastor David Guvik explains this passage:
“In other places in the New Testament, even in the writings of Paul, women are specifically mentioned as praying and speaking in the church (I Corinthians 11:5). To learn in silence has the idea of women receiving the teaching of the men God has chosen to lead in the church, with submission instead of contention…I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man: Paul’s meaning seems clear. Women are not to have the role of teaching authority in the church. To be under authority is the principle; not teaching is the application…Not all speaking or teaching by a woman is necessarily a violation of God’s order of authority in the church. Whatever speaking or teaching is done by a woman must be done in submission to the men God has appointed to lead the church…
For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.
For Adam was formed first: The first reason for male authority in the church is order of creation. Adam (man) was created first and given original authority on earth.
The first command God gave to the human race is found in Genesis 2:16-17: Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die. This command was not given to woman at all. At the time that command was given, Eve was not yet created from Adam.
Therefore, Adam received his command and his authority from God, and Eve received her command and authority from Adam.
The woman being deceived: The second reason is the difference in the sin of Adam and Eve, as connected to their difference in authority.
Both Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, and Eve clearly sinned first. Yet, the Bible never blames Eve for the fall of the human race, but always blames Adam (through one man sin entered the world, Romans 5:12). Adam is responsible because of there was a difference of authority. Adam had an authority Eve did not have; therefore he also had a responsibility Eve did not have. Adam failed in his responsibility in a far more significant way than Eve did.
As well, Eve was deceived, and Adam was not deceived. Eve was tricked; but Adam sinned knowing exactly what he was doing when he rebelled. This means that though Adam’s sin was worse, Eve’s ability to be more readily deceived made her more dangerous in a place of authority. “Eve’s reasoning faculty was at once overcome by the allegation of jealousy felt by God, an allegation plausible to a nature swayed by emotion rather than by reflection.” (White)
She will be saved in childbearing: A better way to approach this passage is based on the grammar in the original Greek language. In the original, it says she will be saved in the childbirth. This has the sense, “Even though women were deceived, and fell into transgression starting with Eve, women can be saved by the Messiah – whom a woman brought into the world.”
Probably, the idea here is that even though the “woman race” did something bad in the garden by being deceived and falling into transgression, the “woman race” also did something far greater, in being used by God to bring the saving Messiah into the world…” Enduring Word – David Guzik
An advantage of being submissive to our husbands is that they are responsible when things go wrong. Adam was held more accountable than Eve for their sin. Because the husband has more authority, he also has more responsibility.
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” 1 Peter 3:1-6
Another advantage of submission is that unbelieving husbands “may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
It is to our advantage that beauty “should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” because “a gentle and quiet spirit” is something we can achieve, although physical beauty will fade no matter what we do.
God protected Sarah when Abraham’s decisions were wrong and selfish. Abraham told Sarah to tell foreign leaders that she was his sister. He feared he would be killed because other men might desire Sarah who was beautiful.
She was taken into the Egyptian Pharaoh’s harem:
“But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. “What have you done to me?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!” Genesis 12:17-19
Later, she was taken into the Philistine Abimelek’s harem, but the Lord protected her by appearing in a dream to Abimelek:
“Then God said to him in the dream, “Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me. That is why I did not let you touch her.” Genesis 20:6
Abram (Abraham) foolishly listened to Sarai’s (Sarah) advice when she wanted him to bear a son by her Egyptian maid Hagar. When things went wrong Abram was blamed:
“When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the LORD judge between you and me.”
“Your slave is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Genesis 16:4-6
When she had her own son, God told Abraham to listen to Sarah:
“The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”
The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. But God said to him, “Do not be so distressed about the boy and your slave woman. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.” Genesis 21:11-12
Although Sarah was commended for obeying Abraham, she was by no means a doormat. God protected and supported her even when she wasn’t blameless.
I have a wise husband who loves God. It is hard for me to imagine submitting to a lazy, dishonest, cruel husband. Abigail is an example of a woman married to a foolish husband:
“…She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband was surly and mean in his dealings…” 1 Samuel 25:3
Her servants told her that her husband, Nabal, had insulted David by not helping his men who had guarded Nabal’s sheep, and David was coming to take revenge. Abigail acted quickly, getting food ready for David’s men.
“When she met David she fell at his feet and said: “Pardon your servant, my lord, and let me speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name means Fool, and folly goes with him. And as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my lord sent. And now, my lord, as surely as the LORD your God lives and as you live, since the LORD has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming my lord be like Nabal. And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my lord, be given to the men who follow you.
Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The LORD your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the LORD’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live. Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the LORD your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. When the LORD has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the LORD your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.”
David said to Abigail, “Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. Otherwise, as surely as the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.” 1 Samuel 25:24-34
She told Nabal what had happened after he had recovered from his drunken stupor. His heart failed and he became like a stone, dying ten days later. When David heard, he sent for Abigail to become his wife. The Lord was taking care of Abigail.
For a wife to divorce her husband is, of course, not to be submissive to her husband, but ultimately it is to be disobedient to God:
“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:10-16
Often children are damaged beyond measure by a woman who selfishly divorces her husband or a husband divorces his wife:
“Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel…” Malachi 3:15-16
Even if her husband is an unbeliever and wants to live with her, his wife should not divorce him. However, in that circumstance, if he wants to divorce her, she should let him go in peace.
Jesus said:
“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female’(Genesis 1:27). For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Mark 10:5-9
Do you love your husband or wife as Christ loved the church? (Ephesians 5:25-33)
In cases where a husband and wife seemingly cannot reconcile, they are to remain unmarried. To leave for a time is not the same as divorce – it isn’t permanent. There is an opportunity for God to do a miracle. Because we know it is God’s will to keep a marriage together we can pray with confidence:
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him.” 1 John 5:14-15
Sometimes we need great patience – God probably has much to do to change our heart and the heart of our spouse.
God can make a way when we make obedience to His will our priority:
“If my people would but listen to me…how quickly would I subdue their enemies and turn my hand against their foes!” Psalm 81:13-14
Our enemies are demonic forces:
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but the against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12
Ultimately, since marriage is God’s idea and it is His will to keep a marriage together He will do all He can, especially for His children, sometimes in spite of us. One spouse might be so abusive, deceived or determined to do his own will (Satan’s) that he/she will not listen to God. However, only God knows the heart, and most people give up too soon.
Older woman should teach younger women “to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” Titus 2:5
Being subject to your husband means “no one will malign the word of God” . Malign means evil in nature, injurious, harmful. People will say something evil, injurious or harmful about the word of God because of a wife not being subject to her husband. Offensive to everyone (except perhaps the rebellious feminist) is an abrasive, rebellious, bossy wife. If she is a Christian, she is certainly being a bad example that will turn people away from Jesus and His word.
It is not always easy to be submissive to your husband. Nevertheless, being subject or submissive to your husband should bring the result given the noble woman in Proverbs 31:
“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:11-12
“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Proverbs 31:28-29