My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me. And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest. Psalm 55:4-8
For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company. Psalm 55:12-14
He hath put forth his hands against such as be at peace with him: he hath broken his covenant. The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords. Psalm 55:20-21
Current studies do not seem to give a single, accepted definition of spousal abuse. However, spousal abuse generally refers to brutal rather than accidental or insubstantial physical contact. Physical violence includes any act or course of action that inflicts bodily harm or that is proposed to inflict physical harm. Physical violence may be composed of kicking, hitting, shoving, choking, throwing objects, or use of a weapon. The severity of physical assaults may range from a slap across the face to homicide. Emotional abuse may include ridiculing or demeaning another person, with-holding affection or privileges and blaming him or her for family interpersonal problems. Emotional abuse often occurs in conjunction with physical violence. Physical abuse leaves broken bones or bruises that is often evident. Emotional abuse tends to lower one’s self esteem and leaves one with a feeling of helplessness, often causing one to be broken in spirit.
Threatened violence is a particular form of emotional abuse. Whether or not the threatened violence acts are carried out, the resulting apprehension and skepticism regarding possible physical assaults maybe more damaging than the violent act itself.
In the vast majority of cases: females are the victims of abuse. However, there are statistics that indicate that men are victims as well. Studies show that approximately thirty five million women and two hundred and fifty thousand men in the United States are battered by their spouse or intimate partner.
Physical assault, any use of force or attempted use of force against one without their consent, including slapping, punching, shoving, shaking, cutting, or burning, as well as sexual assault, any forced sexual activity without consent, are all criminal offenses punishable by law.
Throughout history male violence towards women and children has been socially, legally and religiously endorsed. For countless generations the man was not just the head of the household, he was the household. In ancient Greece, the wife and children were also the man’s absolute property. The order of priority was; father, cattle, mother, children. It is then easy to see how custom could dictate violence toward wives.
Paul’s message was delivered to a society with a history of female subduing. The prevalent view permeating all of Jewish law was that a woman was not a person, she was property, with no legal rights. She was her husband’s possession, and he was free to do with her anything he pleased. Under the Jewish divorce law she could only divorce if her spouse became a leper, an apostate, or engaged in a disgusting trade. On the other hand a man could divorce his wife for almost anything, and he did by simply giving her a bill of divorce in the presence of two witnesses.
The idea of a man managing and controlling his family with absolute authority made its way into European society and law. Physical punishment was justified by so-called "laws of chastisement", known today as abuse.
Teachings from the church taught that a spouse had the right, and sometimes even the obligation to beat his spouse. Society viewed women as needing strict control. The 16th century Protestant Reformation did very little to improve the social position of women in Christian Europe. A woman could not prosecute her husband for beating her, since, in the eyes of the law of the land, she did not exist.
For a long time an attitude of permission toward striking a woman was a part of the American tradition. For many years the battering of women was assumed and accepted as a males’ right in American society.
Spousal abuse is not only a violation of a persons’ right to safety and security; it contaminates the lives of children who live with the violence. Violent patterns of behavior are transmitted from generation to generation. One of the most consistent findings is that abusing parents often report having been abused themselves as children. Abusive parents raise their children as they were raised.
The cycle can and must be broken! Sinful human nature will always be with us, but it is necessary for Christian counselors and Pastors to spread The Good News and help restore the broken hearted.
Child abuse refers to the mistreatment or neglect of a child by a parent and or guardian or care-giver that results in injury or significant emotional or psychological harm to a child. It is expressed in several forms: Physical, Sexual, Neglect, Emotional.
Physical Abuse: Is the deliberate application of force to any part of a child’s body that results in, or may possibly result in a non-accidental injury. It may involve a single incident or a pattern series of incidents. Child physical abuse is unique among the various aspects of family violence because it is often connected to or confused with punishment. Physical abuse may result in permanent damage to either limb or body function. Physical abuse can effect the central nervous system resulting in seizures, mental retardation, cerebral palsy, hearing or visual damage or learning disabilities. Mistreated children have lower IQ’s, poorer language skills and show less completed academic progress than other similar children. The abused child lives in an unpredictable, unhappy, confusing world that may be violent or simply grossly inadequate. Survival may take all the energy a child has. The child may be excessively withdrawn, aggressive or fearful of other people. Abused children have difficulty forming healthy relationships with others.
Sexual Abuse: Occurs when a child is used for the sexual gratification of an adult or adolescent. It involves the exposure of a child to sexual contact, activity or behavior and may include invitation to sexual touching, intercourse or other forms of exploitation, such as juvenile prostitution or pornography. As child sexual abuse is largely a hidden crime, its omnipresence is difficult to assess. The nature of the problem, its secrecy and shame, the criminal penalties it entails and the young age and dependency of its victims, all serve to less voluntary reporting.
Research evidence consistently reports that most children do not disclose their abuse. Even when they do, families may be reluctant to seek assistance.
The most extensive study of child sexual abuse in Canada was conducted by the Committee on Sexual Offenses Against Children and Youth (Badgley, 1984). It claims that:
- 53 % of females and 31% of males have been victims of one or more unwanted sexual acts..
- Approximately four in five of those incidents happened to the victim when they were children or youths.
- A national population survey done for the Badgley Report found approximately three in four victims to be girls and that one in four to be a boy.
- Dr. Ken Finkel in an article in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, estimated that 25% of women and 10% of men are sexually abused before the age of sixteen.
- In Metropolitan Toronto alone it has been estimated that over 2000 children may be sexually abuse each year.
Sexual abuse does not affect every child to the same extent; responses to sexual abuse may vary according to a number of factors:
- The child’s age and development status.
- The child’s personality and general level of adjustment.
- The nature and type of the offense.
- The relationship of the offender to the child.
- The frequency and duration of the abuse.
- The degree of felt shame and guilt.
- The type of threats used to maintain secrecy; and the reaction of the parents when the sexual activity is discovered.
Childhood sexual victimization may increase the likelihood that an individual will become a perpetrator as an adolescent or adult. It is also disturbing to note the tendencies of women who were sexually abused in childhood to select mates who in turn, are likely to abuse them and sexually exploit their children. The results of sexual abuse leave no doubt about its negative long-term effects. This serves to underscore the seriousness of this silent conspiracy. It must be identified and treated.
Some obvious symptoms and/or possible indicators of sexual abuse are:
- Indirect hints or open statements about abuse.
- Withdrawn, less verbal, depressed or apathetic.
- Self mutilation.
- Pre-occupation with death, guilt, heaven , hell.
- Refusal to undress for gym class at school.
- Fear of bathroom and showers.
- Refusal to be left with potential offender or caretaker.
- Running away behavior.
- Extreme fear or repulsion when touched by an adult of either sex.
- Sleep disturbances, nightmares.
- Inability to concentrate in school, hyperactive.
- Excessive masturbation.
- Combination of violence and sexuality in artwork, written school work, language and play.
- Total denial of problem with total lack of expression or feeling.
Some indications documented by a physician:
- Passive during pelvic examination.
- Torn, stained or bloody underwear
- Bleeding from external genitalia, vagina or anal regions.
- Pain or itching in genitalia’s areas.
- Abrasions and lacerations of genitalia area.
- Pain on urination.
- Penile swelling and /or discharge.
- Vaginal discharge and/or inflammation.
It is not possible to predict exactly if or when child maltreatment will occur in a given family situation. However, a family maybe a high risk if the parent is a loner, feels isolated, no family to depend upon, no real friends, no understanding of child development, feels unloved, unwanted, fear of rejection, personal problems–to name a few.
All family members can be expected to react to disclosure of abuse with one perspective: "How will these events affect me?" Only those with a great deal of strength and security can be expected to sustain continuing concern and support for the victim. Following disclosure we enter a suppression phase, which can lead to minimization of the abuse.
Repression or Recovery Phase is the final phase. If the suppression phase was successful, everything may return to normal. The family system will lapse into its old habits and nothing will have changed. The abuse may even begin again–this is repression component.
A more desirable conclusion is recovery. The road is long and difficult but in spite of the difficulties this is the outcome to which the Christian pastor and counselor should be committed. Work with all the appropriate agencies to make sure the cycle of abuse is stopped and that the family gets the help they need.
Abuse does not necessary fit into one or even two groups of people. In the last few years Elder Abuse has come to the fore front. The horrifying conclusion is that elder abuse is an everyday occurrence. The most commonly accepted categories and definitions of abuse include the following:
- Physical
- Psychological
- Material
- Medical
Elder Abuse includes willful infliction of physical pain, mental anguish, or injuries such as bruises, welts, sprains, dislocations, willful deprivation of service necessary to maintain physical or mental health; sexual abuse, restrictions on freedom of movement, unreasonable confinement and murder, verbal assault, threats, taunting, condemnation, provocation of fear, and physical or emotional isolation, insults and speaking hostility, depriving the aged person of the use of resources accumulated for basic needs, the theft and misuse of money and /or property, with-holding medication or required aids such as false teeth, glasses, hearing aids and violation or breaching of rights, guaranteed to all citizens by The Constitution, Federal Courts and The States (example; opening ones mail, refusing access to a phone and not allowing to have visitors).
"Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth." Psalm 71:9
"Whoso robbeth his father or his mother, and saith, It is no transgression; the same is the companion of a destroyer." Proverbs 28:24
As Christians we must focus on carefully researching the causes of abuse and other forms of violence, making the research thorough and comprehensive. While we need to investigate what causes abuse and how best to treat the victims and offender, we must continue immediate efforts to stand by and help. In spite of the magnitude in dealing promptly with violence, it is important to first deal with the dilemma and refuge and reserve moral or commitment issues for a later conference.
We all have the opportunity to minister to those who have been victimized and also the offender. We can be involved in the modeling and teaching of concepts and application relative to the freedom we have under Christ.
Freedom comes from the word "euthros and means unrestrained; to go at pleasure; exempt from obligation or liability; to be liberated. "Freedom is the ability to act or thinks without compulsion or discretionary restriction, a characteristic missing in the lives of sexual offenders. An aspect of our freedom is the escape from the death penalty for sin because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Our confession and belief in the redemptive work of Christ give us eternal freedom.
Lets look at another aspect, spiritual maturity, which is the practice of using our powers of perception to distinguish between good and evil. We need maturity to have the proper discernment toward evil-inspired falsehood.
"That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;" Ephesians 4:14
"For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;" Colossians 1:9
Maturity involves giving up the old ways of thinking and developing the ways of behaving that are appropriate for a Christian. The legalistic, authoritarian personality often found in a sexual offender needs discipleship from Christian leaders who give words of encouragement and hope about the possibility of change.
Christ calls people to what they can become, not because of what they have been. Our maturity comes from that same hope–the hope of improved ability to cope is part of the gift of freedom. Mahatma Gandhi said, "Freedom is not worth having if it does not connate freedom to err."
God doesn’t need a perfect man or woman to accomplish his purpose–only a willing and honest heart. The result can give them true emotional freedom and release from the bondage of pretense. There is awesome power in every one of us, yet millions suffer emotional, physical and spiritual strain. The enemy has attempted to destroy God’s creativity.
Those who suffer likely wonder whether life will ever be normal again. Emotional strain from years of abuse, being taken advantage of and being used in the most horrible and debased ways, leaves one feeling used and dirty wondering, how could anyone wants someone who has been abused? Nevertheless, God can use the abused. God wants them and so does God’s people.
Mistakes made early in life impacts the rest of our lives, but God looks down from Heaven and sees the pain and the guilt. He evaluated the situation and decided we needed a Redeemer. We needed someone to reach down and lift us up. He saw that we needed to recognize just how important we are. It is impossible to know all that was in the mind of God when He looked down on a broken humanity but we know He looked past our broken hearts, wounded histories, our tendency to sin and saw our need. He met that need through Jesus Christ. Jesus took the abuse on Himself on the Cross of Calvary, paid for the shame. He made a way to be clean again. He took all our indiscretions and sin upon Himself and died in our place. He saw that desire to please others and feel good. Thus, He took all our sinful desires and crucified them on the cross.
When we accept Him, we become clean and holy, made pure. Never think we are alone, everyone struggles with some kind of sin whether they show it or not. The abused little girl, the battered woman, the elder who was rejected was healed by the stripes of Jesus.
"But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5
"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20
The past is paid for. The wounds may leave scars, but the scars are only there to remind us that we are human. Everyone has scars.
God recognizes the possibility of what we can become, even the offender. He has a plan. He sees the potential. Hidden inside everyone is a great person who can do great exploits in His Name. He wants us to be set free. He wants the potential within us to be released so we can become the person we were created to be. The person to unleash us is in our faith. Dare to believe that He will do what He said He would do. We have to shift our confidence from our own weakness to His Power. Trust Him rather than ourselves. Anyone who comes to Christ will find deliverance and healing. He will soothe the wounds and comfort us in our desperate moments. He will raise us up! We have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Jesus will straighten the crooked places in our hearts and make us whole. Allowing Him access to every area of our life, we will never be the same broken person again.
"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17
BIBLIOGRAPHY:
- All Bible verses are from The King James Bible
- Counseling for Family Violence and Abuse; by Grant L. Martin, Ph.D., General Editor; Gary R. Collins, Ph.D.; Published by: Word Publishing
- Break The Silence; Department of Social Services; Government of The Northwest Territories, Yellowknife, NT
- Woman Thou Art Loosed; Healing The Wounds Of The Past by- T.D. Jakes; Published by; Treasure House; An Imprint of Destiny Image Publishers, Inc., P.O. Box 310, Shippensburg, PA 17257-0310
©2004 Ozell M. Borden
For Personal Use Only. Any commercial use or publication without authorization is strictly prohibited.